Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. Recent interviews include Batman, Sarah Connor and the cast of Bone.
You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
This week, Timmy has a fake conversation with Benedict Cumberbatch, who you might have seen in every movie from the past two years.
And now I’m sitting on a lovely patio overlooking the English countryside. It’s mid-afternoon on a clear summer day. Splayed out before me are several adorable teacups and a plate full of biscuits, crackers, and other baked goods all with their own little name, but in America we just call them all “cookies.” A man sits across from me. He has a handsome nobility and carries the look of someone who gets fan-casted in every single movie ever. It’s Benedict Cumberbatch!
Hi there.
Good afternoon.
My name is Timmy Williams. And you are Benedict Cumberbatch.
Yes, I know.
Well I guess I’m going to interview you for my column since we’re sitting here.
Go on.
Okay. So what is your favorite thing about being a Charles Dickens character?
Excuse me?
This is a column about fictional characters! So what do you like the most about not being real?
But I am real. I’m not a fictional character.
Are you sure?
Indeed.
I don’t believe you.
Well how can I prove to you that I’m not fictional?
Well for starters, how about your real name?
Benedict Cumberbatch is my real name.
Yeah, because you’re a fictional character created by Charles Dickens. No other way that someone would have that name.
Okay...I’ll bite. Which Dickens novel do you think I’m from?
Are any of Charles Dickens’ novels about dragons?
I don’t believe so.
Well then I haven’t read them. But probably some sly charismatic street person?
That would be something, wouldn’t it?
Well you can keep being smug. I’m just going to continue this interview.
Very well then.
So was it hard teaching Oliver how to pick pockets?
That was the Artful Dodger. I’m Benedict Cumberbatch.
Crockity-Blop Fingerslam.
What?
Slabberjack Ham Sandwich.
Oh. You’re mocking my name. How original.
Slapperdick Bandersnatch.
Tibby Winkles.
Bennywock Slanderditch.
Tuggy Grimbledorf.
The Jabberwocky.
Wimmy Tilliams.
Morgan Freeman.
Tammy Wynette.
Well-played, sir.
It helps that you’re wearing a rhinestone-encrusted cowboy hat, just like Tammy Wynette’s.
Someone finally noticed! You’re very observant.
Elementary, my dear Williams.
Hey that has a nice ring to it! Y’know, I’ve done some acting. Do you think we could ever...
No.
While you were saying “No” I read your entire Wikipedia page. It says here you were abducted at gunpoint in 2005 when you were visiting South Africa!
Yes, that was terrifying.
And also not real.
What?
That doesn’t happen to people.
Timmy, terrorists abduct people all the time.
Not in South Africa!
Especially in South Africa.
So how come your creators don’t make your character wear a hat when he’s playing the character Sherlock Holmes?
Well since it’s more of a modern take they thought the hat would be anachronistic.
Well this rhinestone-encrusted cowboy hat is anachronistic and nobody bothers me.
Especially women.
Yes. Hey what kind of cookie is this?
That’s a biscuit.
Whatever.
I believe that one is Periwinkle Cupcake and that one is Peppermint Snickerdoodle.
Who names everything in this country? A wizard on acid?
Yes. His name is Terry.
So when did you play Dr. Who?
I’ve never played The Doctor.
Isn’t that a requirement for being a British actor?
Yes, but unfortunately they wouldn’t cast me since they’ve already had Matt Smith, whose face looks like a slightly melted version of mine. So I actually can’t say I’m an actor in Britain.
So what is your official career title in Britain?
Moveless ballerina.
That’s weird.
You’re weird.
Ballyhoo Tinklescratch.
Timothina Williamette.
Bumbershoot Skywalker.
Tiger Woodstofferson.
I don’t think I could ever get tired of this game.
I don’t think I could ever be not tired of it.
That’s dumb. So you were the voice of Smaug…
It’s pronounced “Smowg.”
Smowowog.
“Smowg.”
Benedictine Cramberdash.
I hate you.
When you did The Hobbit was it easy to tell that the person directing and just claiming to be Peter Jackson was actually a money-obsessed robot wearing Peter Jackson’s skin?
Yes, actually. The robot only wore Peter’s skin for photographs or behind-the-scenes videos. When we were in the studio recording my lines, it was just a robot skeleton walking around, directing me via an intricate series of beeps and boops.
I also noticed you have a movie coming out with Johnny Depp...
Before you even ask: yes, he’s a skin-wearing robot too.
I knew it!
Any time a creative person seems to have lost their spark, it’s actually a robot wearing their skin.
That makes a lot of sense. Have you been killed and replaced by a robot, Benedict Cumberbatch?
Well I think it’s pretty obvious that I still have my creative spark.
Does it hurt being that smug?
Quite a bit, actually.
You were the center of some controversy when producers claimed your Star Trek Into Darkness character wasn’t Khan, but then it was revealed in the film that he was indeed Khan. Should we assume from this point forward that every character you play is actually Khan?
Yes.
Englebert Humperdink.
Shut up.
You are the meanest fictional character I’ve ever interviewed.
I told you, I’m not fictional -
Just then a huge hand reaches down out of the sky! It’s holding a pencil, eraser-side out. The eraser starts rubbing Benedict Cumberbatch out of existence!
Well if you’re not fictional then how come you can be erased like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
Just because I’m being erased by a giant disembodied hand doesn’t mean -
And just like that, Benedict Cumberbatch is no more. But now the hand is drawing something else...
