Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture in order to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle:@TimmyIsANerd
My friends are always trying to fix me up with a nice girl, citing reasons like “someone needs to stop you from eating all that cheese” and “we don’t want your daughter to turn out exactly like you.” Since I don’t really go out or meet people or talk ever, they decided to set me up on a blind date off of some stupid dating site. We picked the fanciest restaurant in my hometown of Watertown, South Dakota and I got there a little early…
Welcome to Dagwood’s Sub Shop! The usual tonight?
Well, I’m actually on a date tonight Tammy, so I better class it up a little bit.
So… add lettuce to your twelve-inch pizza hoagie?
You nailed it, Tammy.
Are you Timmy Williams?
[I turn around to see a beautiful, mature sandy-haired woman in a tank top who looks like she could bench-press a school bus. She looks a lot like, oh I don’t know, let’s say 1991-era Linda Hamilton mixed with 2008-era Lena Headey.]
Yes. Are you Sarah Connor?
Who the hell are you?!? HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?!? TELL ME!!!
I’m Timmy. From Lavalife?
Oh right. The only other person still using that site.
Yeah, I just like it! Plus the pictures on there are from when I was waaaaay skinnier.
We’re better off there anyways since all the newer sites are controlled by Skynet.
Sky-who?
[Sarah slaps me. HARD.]
Wake up you idiot! August 29, 1997. It happens. We’re all gonna die!
It’s actually 2015, though.
That’s just the machines and their lies!
What machines? You mean like cell phones?
[Sarah sighs and sits me down at a table. She hasn’t even ordered her sandwich yet! If this relationship works out I’ll have to help her work on her priorities. Anyways, she starts in on a really long lecture, something about a devastated future where computers took over the world and nuked most of us to death. The robot jets and laser tanks sound really cool. At one point a large Austrian man that was eating nachos at the next table stands up and peels off the skin on his arm revealing a really neat metal skeleton arm.]
Now do you understand?
Why did that guy get nachos at a sandwich place?
Did you listen to anything I said? When Judgment Day comes you’re gonna have a real bone to pick!
There's 215 bones in the human body. That's one.
What did you just say?
It's not every day you find out that you're responsible for 3 billion deaths. He took it pretty well.
So you did listen? Hahaha yes! You believe me?!? You believe Judgment Day IS coming?!?
The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.
You’re just cut-and-pasting my quotes from IMDB, aren’t you?
Good Morning, Dr. Silberman. How's the knee?
I would stab you in the neck with a syringe full of Drano If you weren’t so cute.
I really like your muscly arms.
Thanks. I do a lot of pull-ups at the asylum.
Oh you live there too? All of my ex-girlfriends live there! Funny how they all went there after they broke up with me. So what do you do for fun?
Well when I’m not working out or crying about alternate futures I hang out in Mexico and stockpile guns in my bunker.
Is that a euphemism for sex?
No.
Sooo...do you have any kids?
John.
Is he a good kid?
Well he’s kind of a little shit who likes breaking into ATMs and listening to really bad Guns N’ Roses songs, but he will one day be a great leader.
Oh right, with the machines and all that. I think someone told me that recently.
Here’s your sandwich Timmy.
Thanks Tammy! Aren’t you going to eat, Sarah?
I didn’t see any MREs on the menu..
So where’s John’s dad?
7th grade.
Whoah! Maybe you do belong in an asylum!
He wasn’t a kid when we made John! He was a full grown man! John sent him back from the future to protect me and we fell in love. So John’s dad is his best friend that he sent back from the future.
You’re making my nose bleed.
Sorry. Ow, why’d you pinch me!
Just making sure you’re not gonna turn into T-1000 and cut my head off.
The T-1000 wants to cut your head off?
Actually he already did, in my first column a few days ago.
Well we have to stop him!
That’s really sweet, Sarah, but you really don’t have to, this is just an artic-
Terminator! Let’s go!
[The big Austrian guy grabs Sarah and I and hits some sort of button on his belt. A weird blue circle surrounds us and we start fading away! I notice the robot guy didn’t eat his nachos. The blue thing gets so bright that I can’t see anything else…]
[...and now we’re standing in my kitchen last week! I see myself standing a foot away, talking to Mystique. Luckily, the fact she’s naked assures that Past Timmy doesn’t notice us.]
Past Timmy: Those movies make me hope for a lobotomy.
Mystique: I can grant your wish, handsome.
No!
[Sarah Connor leaps forward and shoves a grenade down Mystique’s throat. She blows up real good but since it’s actually T-1000 she sprays silvery stuff everywhere. Past Timmy is now looking through the fridge and doesn’t notice us at all. The Austrian guy steps forward and looks at Mystique’s silvery corpse.]
You’re luggage.
That’s from the movie Eraser and you didn’t even do anything. Hey Sarah, thanks for saving my life!
No problem.
Wanna go out again sometime?
The world’s gonna nuke itself to death any day now, so yes.
***
What a fun date!
Join me next week when I bake a cake with Spider-Man!
