Welcome to "Stranger Than Truth" with Timmy Williams. Each week, Timmy interviews a different fictional character from the world of geek culture in order to seek out the answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. You may know Timmy from the sketch group The Whitest Kids U' Know, and you've probably seen him in a gas station buying snacks on his way to do stand-up somewhere.
He's also a huge nerd, as you can see by his Twitter handle: @TimmyIsANerd
This week we're getting a little more kid-friendly with the cast of Jeff Smith's Bone! Well, they're kid-friendly, at least. I make no promises for myself.
Thanks for joining me, everyone! And by "everyone" I mean Fone Bone, Smiley Bone, Phoney Bone, Thorn Bone, Lucius Bone, Grandma Ben Bone, Red Dragon Bone and Ted The Bug Bone!
Thorn: Just the three Bones have "Bone" at the end of their name.
Which ones are they?
Phoney: The three of us that are clearly of a different species than everyone else, you idiot!
Ha! You're already mad at me! Classic Phoney!
(little clouds of steam develop around Phoney's ears. It's adorable)
Red Dragon: I'm actually a different species, too.
Ted The Bug: And me!
That's right! See, it's easy to get confused, Phoney!
Red Dragon: They're clearly the ones that are Bones, though.
What do you mean?
Red Dragon: They're white.
Ted: And look like talking bones!
Phoney Bone: Well, at least I'm not just a green triangle, runt!
Ted: Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot I'm not cool unless I INSPIRE AN EVIL CULT!
Hey hey hey! Let's reel in the anger. And spoilers.
Ted: My bad.
OK, let's just get this out of the way: Bones? Boneville? An ancestor named Big Johnson Bone? Who named you guys, Ron Jeremy?
Fone: What are you talking about?
I'm just saying, I know this is for kids, but sometimes I feel like your names are a reference to ... other stuff.
Smiley: Not followin' you, buddy!
I mean I wouldn't be surprised if there was also a Captain One-Eye Bone or a Great Aunt Donger, you know?
Phoney: Don't even bother, Timmy, these guys are clueless!
OK, moving on. Thorn: After growing up a poor farm girl, what's it like being queen of a whole kingdom?
Thorn: I have trouble finding things to do. All the gold coins and jewels are nice, but peace is just so boring!
You have gold coins?
Thorn: Oh, yeah, like a lot.
Can I have your phone number?
Phoney: I like this guy's style!
Thorn: No, I don't have a phone, sorry.
No phone?
Thorn: Nope, never had much use for phones.
(Fone Bone quietly sheds a tear)
All right. Next question is for Lucius.
Lucius: What?
Are you still dead?
Lucius: Yes, I am.
OK, next question is for the Red Dragon. What's it like to have no one believe that you exist for decades and decades, then when there's trouble everyone suddenly loves you?
Red Dragon: Well, at first I got pretty depressed about that but then I found a great support group, Neglected Saviors Anonymous. It's just me and Jesus and Superman right now, but I'm pretty sure The Rock will join after he dies.
Gran'ma Ben. Your real name is Rose, but after your kingdom fell you went into hiding.
Gran'ma: That's right, Timmy.
So if you were supposed to be hiding this whole time, why give yourself a dude's name and start racing cows and beating up monsters?
Gran'ma: Well, I can answer that pretty simply ...
(Gran'ma punches me really really hard in the stomach)
Huhh ... gah ... OK. Well, my 3-year-old daughter is a big fan of all of your adventures and has written some questions, so I'll just give this over to her while I try not to throw up blood.
(My young daughter pedals in on her tricycle. Awww.)
Timmy's Daughter: Otay. Thorn. Do you want to be a Queen or a horse?
Smiley: Wow. Good question. Well, I want to be a horse but I kind of have to be a queen.
I'd be Queen of the Horses!
Thorn: I didn't know that was an option!
Haha! Smiley Bone: Do you want to eat this doughnut?
Smiley: Do I?!? Where is it?
(Timmy's daughter holds out her hand)
It's right here, silly!
Smiley: I don't see it.
Right here! It's pretend!
Smiley: Oh.
Do you still want it?
Smiley: No.
OK. Phoney Bone: Do you like me?
Phoney: Will you throw a tantrum if I say no?
Yep!
Phoney: ...Yes.
OK, I'm back, thank you, sweety. I don't know why he wouldn't eat your donut either. OK, last question: Fone Bone. We all know you helped save the world from undead dragons and introduced a generation of kids to comics and literature, but what do you, like, do?
Fone: What do I do when?
Like for a job?
Fone: Like for money?
Yes. For money.
Fone: Well, nobody really has jobs in Boneville.
Smiley: That's right! We're Communists!
Fone: Yes, capitalism is a scourge! And the reason Phoney's always getting us in trouble.
Phoney: What's wrong with a little competition in business?!? It enlivens the spirit!
Smiley: It also gets you sharing a cell with Bernie Madoff!
Phoney: Yeah. Those were the days. That was a nice prison.
So Boneville is a bastion of Communism?
Fone: That's right!
So do you guys know the Smurfs then, too?
Smiley: Oh yeah! They're our little blue comrades!
Fone: All hidden communities of small half-naked cartoon characters are Marxist!
Smiley: Yeah, read a book dummy!
OK, thank you for joining me, everybody.
Fone Bone: Dasvidaniya.
Whatever.
Next week: A blind date with someone named Sarah Connor!
