It's that time of year again: the time when complete strangers are legally obligated to hand out a random assortment of expensive candy to children in rubber masks and Batman costumes. Or as some people like to call it, Halloween! But with so much candy to sift through, how do you know which treats are good enough to eat and which ones should be generously donated to your friends (or, in some cases, your enemies)? Don't worry, we've got you covered with a convenient ranking (from worst to first, naturally) of all of the candy you will encounter this weekend.
Pennies - An insult to everyone's intelligence and a nuisance for kids of all ages. You deserve better than this on Halloween, and you are well within your rights to demand more than just free money from your neighbors.
Plastic Crap - Nobody wants this junk, not even the four-year-olds they are designed for. What are you going to do with a plastic ring shaped like a spider or a set of vampire teeth, unless you're planning to propose to your girlfriend at a Dark Shadows convention?
Any and all Bubble Gum - No. Unless you don't mind bubble gum that loses its flavor once it's instantly introduced to saliva.
Whoppers - Malt. Bleck.
Mr. Goodbar - More like Mr. Gross-bar! Am I right? Guys? Don't worry, I'll try again later.
Smarties - Nobody gets excited about receiving Smarties.
Milky Way - Go dark chocolate or go home.
Milk Duds - These might as well be landmines for your teeth. It's impossible to even finish half a box of these chocolate monstrosities without effectively glueing your mouth shut. That is exactly why they are so high on the list.
Wax Lips - Do people like these? Are they edible? I'm honestly not brave enough to find out. Perhaps these are some kind of cannibal training tool.
Apples - Fruit on Halloween should be a crime punishable by tarring and feathering. Just saying.
3 Musketeers - For a while 3 Musketeers proudly proclaimed to have "45 percent less fat." 45 percent less fat compared to what? A Big Mac? Halloween isn't the time to be healthy. Take your services elsewhere.
Poison Apples - You can stay. We give extra points for the effort.
Tootsie Pops - Remember Jurassic Park, with the mosquito trapped inside the amber for millions of years? Tootsie Pops are kind of like that, but pretty delicious.
Dum Dums - More like Dum Yums! Am I right? Guys? Fine. I'll stop.
Q-Tips - These are great for picking all this gummy, gooey crap out of your teeth. Wait, these are Q-Tips, not toothpicks. I have no idea why anybody would give these out, but people totally do.
Jelly Beans - So. Many. Flavors.
Baby Ruth - Are these bars named after the Sultan of Swat or Grover Cleveland's daughter? Who cares? This candy bar is delicious no matter what side you take.
Pop Rocks - Do Pop Rocks taste good? Eh. But it's still fun to tell people they might explode if they eat pop rocks and drink a soda at the same time.
Almond Joy - I've never understood the name. Sure, there are almonds inside, but people eat these things for the coconut. These should be called Coconut Joy. Whatever. Stuff it in your face.
Pixie Stix - Did you know kids sometimes snort this crap, like it's cocaine? Yep. That's a thing that happens.
Gummi Bears - The best candy to ever have a television show. Also might be the only one.
Crunch Bars - Satisfying and simple.
Skittles - Like M&Ms, but where the colors actually matter.
Starbursts - Like exploding stars, but in your mouth! And filled with fruit flavor! I'm not making these sound very appealing am I?
Tootsie Rolls - Fairly standard, but if you are handing these out by the scoop-full, you are doing Halloween wrong. Kids want something exotic, something that will make them remember your house for years to come and return for the next decade with unrealistically high expectations of candy greatness. Something like...
Flavored Tootsie Rolls - These Tootsie Rolls are another story entirely. They are only available around Halloween every year and come in a variety of flavors, like vanilla and lime. They aren't particularly great, but their limited availability make these a Halloween candy must.
Rolo - For some reason Rolos, with their caramel center, just seem more elegant and sophisticated than other Halloween candies. They are the Rolls-Royce of trick-or-treat candy, and you'll instantly feel like a big shot after eating some.
Twix - A two-for-one special. In this economy, a Twix bar can go a long way.
Butterfinger - I have yet to meet a person who didn't feel disgusting after eating a Butterfinger. I have also yet to meet a person who didn't enjoy it.
M&Ms - Red? Green? Brown? Yellow? They all taste the same -- like loneliness. Delicious, delicious loneliness.
Peanut M&Ms - Much better than regular M&Ms. Fact.
Kit Kat - It's like the value of a Twix bar, multiplied by two. This is the official candy of the Great Recession.
Snickers - A standard for deliciousness. Snickers of all shapes and sizes should be welcome in your Halloween bucket. It's also the only candy bar officially endorsed by Godzilla, so there's that.
Nerds - Nerds will inherit the Earth. And you will inherit the Nerds. What does that make you? Answer: Godly.
Candy Corn - A Halloween classic that is to be celebrated. Better yet, today is National Candy Corn Day! But be wary of people who leave big bowls of unpackaged Candy Corn on their porch. Just think about all the dirty, gooey, grimy hands going into that bowl! It's the holiday equivalent of germ warfare. Just don't.
Any Full-Sized Candy Bar - Pro tip: Give these out to the kids and watch what happens. Before you know it, you will be legend.
Reese's Cups - No matter the shape, no matter the size, no matter the holiday, these are the real deal. Handing these out is a cheap, effective way to avoid getting your home pelted by eggs by an angry mob of children (and their candy-loving parents) later on in the night.
Happy Halloween! May the candy be ever in your favor.
Photo: Luke Jones via Flickr (Cropped)
