This week's episode of Game of Thrones season five sees the Stark children and the Bastard of Winterfell move a little bit closer to avenging the death of their kin, although not without a huge price, as Sansa will learn. Over at King's Landing, Cersei and Margaery try to one-up each other in a passive-aggressive altercation over who gets the young king's affections, and Tyrion becomes part of a surprising plot twist that will quickly take him closer to the dragon queen.
Braavos
Arya Stark wants to become a faceless man, or woman, but so far, all Jaqen H'ghar has made her do is sweep the floor inside Braavos' House of Black and White. She tells Jaqen she wants to serve, but the face-changer tells her he must become no one for her to serve the many-faced god. Later, as Arya is lying in bed, another servant, Waif, comes to challenge her, and Arya responds by taking out Needle. Jaqen breaks up the fight and tells Arya she has to give up the Stark girl's possessions if she has to become no one. She goes out and throws away all her clothes and belongings into the water outside the House of Black and White, but she knows she will need Needle, so she buries the sword under some rocks. When she goes back inside, Jaqen orders her to washing-the-naked-dead duties, sort of like Mr. Miyagi telling Daniel to wax his car. Scrub on, scrub off, Arya. You're getting there.
King's Landing
Tommen and his thrice-wed bride consummate their marriage, albeit quickly for the first time. Surprisingly, no death happens during this low-key ceremony, and Margaery Tyrell is reveling in her new king-husband's adoration of her. The young queen doesn't waste time trying to get rid of Cersei Lannister, although not without sugarcoating her intentions with veiled praise for the king's mother. Cersei knows how to play the game as well - she's good at this - but she realizes Margaery has charmed her way to her son's affections quickly. Later on, when Cersei and Tommen are taking a walk, the king asks her if she wants to go back to Casterly Rock. Score one point for Highgarden, but Cersei isn't one to give up so easily. She walks up to the young queen, who is laying out the randy details of her wedding night to her ever-loyal ladies-in-waiting, and offers her services to Margaery. This scene we'd like to watch over and over again, as Margaery isn't one to lose the chance to trade thinly coated barbs at her new mother-in-law. "I wish we had some wine for you - it's a bit early in the day for us." "What's the proper way to address you now, Queen Mother or Queen Dowager?" Cersei keeps her cool, unsurprisingly. It's a sure sign she's got something wicked up her sleeve.
Meanwhile, the hypocritical High Septon is captured by the now-devout Lancel Lannister and his fellow Sparrows. The leader of the faith is found enjoying his blasphemous pornographic show featuring prostitutes dressed as the Seven Gods, and he's forced to walk the streets of King's Landing without his clothes while the smallfolk hiss at him. At the Small Council, the High Septon complains to Cersei, so she meets with the High Sparrow, who turns out to be a very devout person who donates all his possessions to charity. She agrees with him about his religious philosophy and declares that the High Septon is now kept in a dungeon in the Red Keep.
The North
Winterfell is in ruins and the despicable Ramsay Bolton, formerly Snow, tries to keep the northmen loyal by peeling off strip after strip of their skin one by one and hanging them, but his father, the same man who helped bring down Robb and Catelyn Stark to their gruesome ends, says he's got a better plan. He's marrying Ramsay off to Sansa Stark! Yes, the lovely, once-idealistic Sansa once married to a dwarf has agreed, although reluctantly, to Petyr Baelish's scheme to marry her off to the Boltons. She arrives, not shy about showing disgust at Ramsay, but then changes back into dutiful Sansa, curtsies, and gives him a most brilliant smile that has more to it than courtesy. Reek, known as the grandiose Theon Greyjoy in another lifetime, tries to avoid Sansa's gaze, implying that somewhere inside that tortured little Reek is Theon, still lurking. Later on, Ramsay promises to Littlefinger that he will not hurt Sansa, but this is Ramsay we're talking about.
Earlier, while Littlefinger was pushing Sansa to stop being the bystander he thinks she is, Brienne and Podrick Payne stand watch from a distance. The not-a-knight and not-a-squire finally form a bond, and the Maid of Tarth makes it her mission to train Pod - and to kill Stannis, who killed her beloved Renly.
The Wall
Being the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch is no walk in the park, and one of Jon Snow's first tasks is to refuse an offer from Stannis to make him Jon Stark. He also goes against Stannis' advice to send away Alliser Thorne, surprising everyone by making him First Ranger. The coward Janos Slynt, however, is not so hard to order around when he refused to go to Greyguard and take command at the abandoned castle. His refusal means his head, and Jon Snow decides to show his brotherhood he means business. Janos' last words are perhaps the only true words he ever uttered: "I'm afraid... I've always been afraid." Unknowingly, Jon Snow avenged his father for Janos Slynt's part in betraying Ned Stark to death. Truly, Jon Snow knows nothing. His eyes meet with Stannis' for a moment, and he is clearly impressed, judging by the small, almost imperceptible nod Stannis gives Jon.
Volantis
Tyrion Lannister and Varys make their way to Meereen to help Daenerys Targaryen, who is a no-show in this episode perhaps because she's still reeling from the difficulties of trying to rule a kingdom, make her rightful claim to the throne of Westeros. A dwarf who insists on going to a brothel and a eunuch isn't the best companion in the world. The pair stops over at Volantis, where Tyrion, whose head is up for grabs, is noticed by a Red Priestess preaching about the mother of dragons, so he and Varys duck into a brothel to get away. Surprise, surprise! The once friend-zoned now banished forever Jorah Mormont is at the brothel too, trying to convince himself that a prostitute dressed as Daenerys is just like the real thing. Tyrion tries to sleep with a prostitute but realizes he's no longer in the mood. When you choke your semi-prostitute lover lying on your father's bed, it sure is going to mess you up. So Tyrion goes to a window to piss into a stream and, next thing he knew, he is gagged and bound with a sack over his head. Jorah Mormont's muffled voice comes through. He tells Tyrion, "I'm taking you to the Queen." Best it not be Cersei.
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